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Adventures of Touring with a Rock Band – Part 11

To embrace my sentimental side, I’d like to say that I am so grateful to be doing what I’m doing.  I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time right now, and it feels good.  Not that you give a shit about why, or should give a shit, but I’m still going to tell you what my past month has looked like.

Day off in Pensacola, Florida.  First thing in the morning, I walked off my bus, and saw Alex, the drummer of Eve to Adam (one of the bands on tour with us), and mentioned that the coffee in hand just wasn’t doing it for me and what I’d really dig right now is a bloody mary.  Ask and you shall receive!  He invites me on their bus and we treat ourselves to a bloody mary.  Fast forward to me, the drummer for the band I work for, and four of the Eve to Adam guys on a broken down boat in the middle of the Gulf with that ridiculous song, “I’m on a Boat” playing off someone’s iPod.  We had weed and beer though, so we were not that worried about being stuck.  While the other guys were attempting to do the manly thing, and fix this shit, Baylor and I could not stop laughing.  We were having such a high kid giggle session while we were stuck out in the middle of the fucking Gulf of Mexico.  Don’t worry, we got saved by a fat Braveheart.  Best day off ever.  Beach, booze, boys and bonding.

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I watched an epic display of fireworks in silence, with another new, good friend.  We didn’t say one word during the entire twenty-minute spectacle, but we definitely felt it.  It takes a certain kind of understanding, and relationship between two people to be able to feel each other, rather than constantly talking in order to communicate.  I love that I found one of those friendships on this tour.  Bonded for life.  And the fireworks were fantastic!  If The Sound of Music changed its lyrics in “My Favorite Things,” to Caitlin’s favorite things, fireworks would definitely replace raindrops on roses.  Fuck roses.

I got to smoke a joint on stage and watch Cypress Hill perform.  I’m not particularly into Cypress Hill, and like I’ve said before, I rarely smoke weed, but we were playing the same festival as them, and Casey (one of Eve’s crew guys) said we had to smoke and watch them.  It didn’t seem like an option, and I’m all about once in a lifetime opportunities, and this felt like it could be one of those moments, so of course I said yes. I had a moment where I looked around, I’m on stage, the sun was setting, B-Real was getting down twenty feet away from me (and I will say, he’s kind of sexy live), a new and great friend at my side and I thought, “this is it.”  This is what it feels like to be living the dream.  Then Cypress lit a FAT blunt on stage, and it felt great to be alive.

Panoramic views of the country and hilarious conversations with Trent, our bus driver.  I sleep for like six minutes a night, so I’m almost always the first person awake on the bus, and most of the time I just read, but sometimes I go up and sit in the jump seat, chat with Trent, watch the sun rise and soak in the scenery.  America really is gorgeous.  And conversations with Trent are always entertaining.  We talk about everything from pooping to family affairs.

T-dog and morning fog.

T-dog and morning fog.

I got a tip of the hat from Aaron Lewis, the lead singer of Staind.  I’m not a particularly big fan of the band, but I’ve always had a little bit of a crush on Aaron.  I’ve seen them live before, and he’s just got presence.  He doesn’t do anything but stand there and sing.  He doesn’t jump about or head bang or climb onto monitors and drum kits… he just stands there and sings, but somehow it is incredibly captivating.  During their set, I was standing side stage by myself, smiling, bobbing my head to the song.  Out of nowhere, he turned, and  looked right at me, and in the middle of singing, he smiled, and tipped his hat to me.  It was a moment.

Watched Maus, the guitar player for the band I work for, rock out during Kyng’s set with a pink parasol in hand.  So brilliant.

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This is what it looks like to not give a fuck.

Spent Easter drinking Strawberita’s at Trent’s.  It felt like family.  I actually couldn’t palette the strawberita, but it was fantastic to see the dude rock n‘ roll studs drinking tiny cans of pink colored malt liquor.

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Openly discussed double penetration during a band signing.  After every show, the band does a signing, where all the fans can come up and get their merch signed and tell them how much they love them and blah fucking blah.  I basically stand there and collect their tickets for the signing that are now soaked in gross boob sweat, and make sure that there are enough sharpies available for the band.  Maus or Ryan is usually next to me, and on this particular night, it was Maus (the one with the pink parasol) and he was drunk.  Always a good time.  Somehow we started discussing double penetration as these fans are shaking his hand and attempting to confess their love for his band.  Him and I are just in our own world and laughing our asses off as he’s making the motions… literally trying to shove sharpies up my butt to convince me that DP is a good thing, as I’m arguing that buttholes involved in sex is disgusting.  Best signing ever.  Sorry fans!

Got fully groped by a stripper.  She was a hot mess and basically played with my boobs for a second.  I thought it was going to be a low-key night.  Trent and I were going to chill and watch bad action movies, and somehow that turned into us going to a strip club with one of the other crew members, and a random Italian.  Why not?

Fell in love with Baylor.  We were playing at an ultimate dive bar in some irrelevant town, and the fans were bombarding me before I had opened merch because the venue opened doors early.  Everyone calm the fuck down…  go get a drink and stop staring at me as I set up you goddamn weirdos.  In the midst of this merch hell, I look over, and Baylor is by himself, in the corner, playing “Cruisin’ USA,” (that driving arcade game) leaned back, drink in one hand, and just looking like a rock star gangster.  Baylor would replace whiskers on kittens in the Caitlin version of that Sound of Music song.  It made the merch hell not feel so bad.

Set an alarm off in a church and broke into a cemetery at god knows what-o’-clock.  Why not?

Went to a country music bar in Nashville with the members of a metal band.  We stuck out like a sore thumb but we had a blast.  And why do male country music singer’s dance like they’re a Chippendale?  So embarrassing.

Realized that I look beat as fuck, but then realized that I don’t care.  The band went to some pub in Asheville after the show, and after I was done with merch, I went to meet them.  As I approached, the bouncer immediately asked me if I was with the band dudes, and told me where to find them because they had gone around back.  Wait, what?  How did you know I was with them?  Then I figured out that it was because I look like absolute roadie hell.  I’m talking dusty clothes, dirt encrusted hands that rival bum’s hands, no shower, hair in the same braid for three days, tattered shoes and a backpack.  Always wearing a backpack.  What was for a split second a self-conscious moment, quickly turned into a moment of peace.  I realized that I was happy, and for the first time in a very long time, that meant more to me than the way I looked.

Some of us.

Some of us.

Made a gigantic piece of machinery (the tour bus) turn around on the highway for me.  Yes, I had to pull my one favor card on Trent.  I seem to have one major fuck up per tour when it comes to the bus.  I left my friggen house and car keys on the bus when they dropped me off at the airport.  Luckily I realized it ten minutes later, but a tour bus making a U- turn isn’t exactly a no big deal task.  Oh well, now I owe Trent and he has something to hang over my head, which he seems to enjoy.

Now I’m home, for a week off, and this was the first thing I did…

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Bloody Mary.

Baylor and I were both heading home at the same time, him flying, and me basically getting dumped off on the side of the highway, getting a rental car and finding my way back home, all while being hung over.  We made a goal that we’d both be at our favorite spot for an afternoon cocktail by 1:00pm.  I won.

Life is good.

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Adventures of Touring with a Rock Band – Part 8

Back on the road, with a metal band this time.  Although it’s not exactly my kind of music, I am in love with them because they are just such good people.  We are the headliner’s, but there are three other bands on the tour package.  The second band on the bill, is a metal band from NYC.  After load out the other night, I was chatting with them outside of the buses, and they invited me onto their bus to smoke.  Mind you, I very rarely smoke weed, but I figured why not?  I can’t even remember the last time I did, and it would be a fun bonding session.  On to the back lounge.  If you’ve ever been on a tour bus, you know that the back lounge is a tiny little maybe 6×6 room.  There were seven of us crammed in there passing around joint after joint.  They also had some sort of other smoking contraption which they passed it to me and I was like, “I don’t even know what to do with that thing…” so I stuck with the joint.  I only took two hits because like I said, I don‘t smoke often so two and I am golden.  Well, being in that hot box… two and I was retarded.

Some sort of banter took place, where the word “fag” was thrown in.  I hate that word, so I may have literally cringed.  The lead singer (who is the one who invited me to this session) went along to say, “I’m just kidding… we’re LGBT friendly here.  He (pointing to the sound guy) is transgender and I’m post-op.”  WHAT?!  Now, let’s rewind and let me try to paint you a picture.  These are metal dudes.  Haven’t showered in days, silver rings on every finger, PBR drinking, buy coke from groupies, has a different girl everyday, DUDES.  So here I am, HIGH AS FUCK, trying to figure out if these two guys used to be girls.  They are all being fun high people, laughing… carrying on, and I am just trying to not to lose my goddamn mind.  I could not keep up with their conversation at all.   So now, along with attempting to not freak out and pretend to know what the fuck they’re all talking about, I’m also looking for clues.  I was checking for adam’s apples’, feminine hands, breasts, looking at their crotches, etc.  Like a total asshole, I was just sitting there staring, trying to decide if he was just kidding, or if they were actually born females.  Then, the most masculine looking guy of them all, starts putting his head on the [supposed] transgender’s shoulder.  Now I’m really confused.  That’s cool if some gay romance is taking place, but hold on, if he was transgender, he’d be straight!  He would be into girl’s!  Yet he was letting this guy rest his head cutely on his shoulder.  Maybe it was just simple band commradere?  Maybe they’ve just spent so much time in close quarters together that a head on the shoulder is not a big deal.  Maybe?  Maybe they were just retarded high too?  But regardless, they are all incredibly hospitable and cool cool people.  Bus call approached, and I walked back to my bus.

My tour manager began giving me shit about hanging out with the “support band,” saying rubbish like, “You were concerned about appearing to be a lot lizard* last night, and yet you’re going back to the other band’s bus.”  I played into it at first because I thought he was kidding, so I went with the joke saying, “Yeah… I took all of them at once.”  After a minute or so, I realized that he was fucking serious.  He was actually irritated at me for hanging out with the other band!  I felt like saying, “would this even be an issue if I was a boy?” but, I was so high, that I was worried I was being paranoid.  Instead of standing up for myself, and calling him out for being a dick (which would be normal Caitlin behavior), I awkwardly said NOTHING and went into my bunk.  I decided to asses the situation in the morning when I was of sober state of mind.  Morning arrived, and I decided that 1.) My TM was in fact annoyed, but I was definitely blowing it out of proportion in my high mind that night.  2.) I could not have been more off in my absurd suspicions about the metal dudes once having vaginas.  Now that I know them even better than I did that night, I laugh out loud at the thought of me actually taking that notion seriously for an entire evening.  3.) I suck at being high.

*lot lizard- noun.  Truck stop whore.  Literally.

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