Tag Archives: rules

Merch Girl Rant #3: Airport Etiquette for Dummies

Everyone suddenly turns into an asshole when at the airport.  Even people who seem to be able to function as an acceptable human being normally, turn into a god damn spaz when traveling.  They seem to lose all common sense, spatial awareness and cognitive abilities.  It’s incredible.  I travel a lot, so please learn from this and don’t be one of those people.

Let’s start at the beginning.  Just pulling up to the drop-off area at airports, and it suddenly looks like a traffic jam in India.  There is no regard for lane lines, there are whistles and people walking in front of cars and the same person who kindly let you over while you were merging onto the highway to get to the airport, is suddenly blaring his horn in your face and cutting you off because he is worried that he won’t make it to the curb in time.  Chill out you motherfucker!  I am not afraid of walking twenty extra yards, so I’ll move for you.  I swear that people don’t understand that the airport is one big building.  Surprise!  You can get to any part of the airport from inside the airport!  When pulling up to the drop-off/pick-up area, people seem to forget that just because you’re flying Delta, doesn’t mean that you can only be dropped off immediately in front of the Delta sign.  Don’t worry, this isn’t platform 9 3/4, it’s not going to magically disappear.  Drop people off wherever there is an opening, and hopefully they can manage to walk a few meters to the Delta check-in, you freaks.

Before arriving to the airport, have your damn ID in your pocket.  Duh!  In your purse does not count because as we all know, women’s purses are all like Mary Poppin’s purse; endless.  If I have to wait for you to dig around in your bag because you seem to be dumbfounded when security or the airline agents asks for your ID, then you are a fool and deserve the ugly stares that you’re going to get from me.  Oh, and I will probably cut you in line.

The touch screen at the check-in counters seem to be a problem for people and this also blows my mind because it’s people who are drowning their lives in various technological touch screen devices, so how is it that you suddenly can’t figure out how to use a touch screen when it asks you for your friggen name?

Then, we move onto one of my worst pet-peeves.  Escalators/moving sidewalks.  These machines were developed to get you from point A to point B faster.  They are not there to enable all you lazy assholes who apparently find walking to be a hassle.  I cannot wrap my mind around how unaware everyone is.  Do you not realize that a lot of people are in a damn hurry at the airport?!  Essentially, everything you do at the airport needs to be done in the quickest, most efficient way as possible because people are waiting.  Paying for something?  Grab your change and move to the side so someone else can pay while you fumble around with your wallet.  Have plenty of time to get to your gate?  Then move over to the mother fucking right, and let me pass you on the left on the escalator.  Common damn sense.

Pack light and tight.  When we get to the security point, I always avoid people with kids, old people and people with headphones on.  That’s all obvious, but you also got to watch out for the people who have a bunch of shit hanging off of them.  I’m sure you can picture it.  There are those who travel and they look like a damn mobile closet.  There are pillows wrapped around their necks, lanyards hanging out of pockets, straps just everywhere, blankets protruding from overstuffed bags and they are always trying to get away with having two carry-on’s.  It’s such a shitshow.  I should never have to wait for you to pull everything from crinkled up cash to loose Tylenol tablets from your pocket when we approach the x-ray machine.  Be prepared!  Do that BEFORE the last second.  Fucking, duh!  And you never need a neck pillow.  Unless it is over a five hour flight, then I might have some sympathy, but on those flights, the airline has pillows, just ask.  You are not going to be comfortable on a plane no matter what, so just suck it up and get out of my way.

The only person who is allowed to have a neck pillow is the wrestler because he has the kind that fold into a little case that he shoves into his suitcase.  He’s a pro traveler due to the whole being a pro wrestler thing.  Him and I recently discussed the art of traveling, and decided that we hate 90% of people at airports.

I think that the older you get, the more comfortable you are with yourself and the less you’re concerned with what other people might think of you.  This notion simply disappears when people get on planes.  I watch all these middle aged people suddenly turn into those anxious adolescence with pimply faces and awkward haircuts.  People get so fucking nervous about putting their stupid carry-on bag in the overhead compartments.  Jesus Christ, chill out.  The only reason why we’re all staring at you is because you suddenly started talking to yourself, you’re blushing and you’re being frantic over a damn suitcase.

Also concerning the overhead compartments, don’t be that asshole who puts your jacket or fucking beach tote bag up there until everyone is settled.  Wait until everyone has their REAL carry-on’s stowed away, and then if there is room, you can shove your floppy shit on top.

The worst people on planes are the ones with headphones on who have no regard for how loud their music is.  I’m sorry, I know you’re enjoying your tunes, but I should not be subjected to your shitty Pandora’s top 40 playlists.  If the person is sitting next to me, I absolutely ask them to turn their music down.  If the person is sitting more than a row away, I ask the flight attendant to ask them to turn it down.  And I don’t feel bad about it even a little bit.  NOT using headphones at all while watching videos is a recent practice that I’ve noticed people participating in since wifi on planes has become a thing.  Hell no.  I won’t even waste my linguistic energy on why that is 100% unacceptable.

I recently went to Costa Rica with my sister, mom and a family friend.  I’m typing in the living room and my sister is in the dining room wearing an oversized Tupac shirt and playing with her toenails.  I just yelled to her, “what were some of the dumb things that people were doing at the airport?” and without hesitation she just yelled back, “they were just not fucking walking!”  It made me laugh out loud.  This sort of falls into the the category of being spatially aware, and even if you’re not in a hurry, act like you are.  I cannot get over the amount of people who just stop walking in the middle of the damn walkways to look at their phone.  Would you do that in the middle of the highway?  No.  There is absolutely the same traffic flow in the airport, and you are fucking it up and causing a traffic jam.  Just as you would if you were on the highway, if you need to stop, veer over to the right.

I hope this helps you.  I’m considering printing this out into pamphlet form, and distributing them at my local airport.

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The Rules of Touring

1. Use common sense.

2. Be considerate.

3. Don’t complain.

That’s it. Those are the only true rules of touring. I started writing a book, and though I have never thought about listing tour rules, it began to organically happen while drafting one of the chapters. I had fun with it, and made a whole list of specific rules such as, keep the damn doors shut to bunk alley until everyone is awake, you inconsiderate bastard! But after going over my list, and after something Monterey said, I realized that it was redundant and everything came down to use common sense, be considerate and don’t complain. Simple as that.

A person who sucks at being a busmate will always suck at being a busmate no matter how many tours they go on because these “rules” aren’t learned, they’re just called, not being an asshole. I’m sorry, I know there are a lot of sweet people out there who are lacking in common sense, but you’re still an asshole, even if you have the best intentions. I absolutely have my daft moments, the English hooligan can attest to that after sitting with me in a freezing room for two hours trying to fix a string of paperwork the time when I forgot that 175 is not the same as 150. But! I have enough common sense to know that if I’m living on a bus with ten other people and one mini fridge, than I shouldn’t buy a gallon of milk.

Complaining is toxic. Just don’t do it. Next time you want to bitch about the venue’s catering or how there are no cups on the bus, remind yourself that you get to travel around the world for a living, so shut the fuck up and do your job.

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How to Make a Guy Fall in Love With You

These were some of my secrets, in no particular order.

-Be forward.  Playing hard to get is overrated.  If you like him and the two of you vibe, straight up say, “I like you,” then grab his face and make-out with him.

-Keep your past a mystery.  Ambiguity = Intrigue!  Example: When/if he asks why you and your ex broke up, do NOT, for the love of God, tell that story.  Instead, say something along the lines of, “Oh, just life.  So many reasons that don’t even matter anymore.”  Example 2: He asks, “What brought you out here?” (I get that a lot living in Los Angeles), keep it a mystery!  I usually respond with, “I’d tell you that story… but it’s not a very interesting one.”  Not only is this true in my case, (ha!) but it keeps the boys wanting more.  Keep them wanting more in more areas than one!

-Never refer to him as, “dude.”

-Get your vagina under control!  Rinse that shit out regularly with water!  No excuse for foul smells!

-Call yourself out.  Example: I am generally pretty low maintenance, but I have my girly moments.  When these occur, I straight up say, “I’m sorry, I’m about to be such a girl right now, but I have nothing to wear.”  Without that disclaimer, I would lose cool points immediately in his book.  But because I own up to my occasional ridiculousness, I not only get away with it, but I gain cool points because now he knows that I am able to check myself.  Example 2: My feet are NOT cute.  I have disgusting, fat, square, dancer’s feet.  Instead of trying to curl them under while cuddling together on the couch, I just openly make fun of my “Flinstone feet.”  Now I’ve manipulated him into thinking that my “negative” is kind of endearing.

-Magic words, “not like you.”  When he compliments you… says you’re beautiful or sexy or have a pretty smile, or whatever, instead of blushing and saying thank you, gently bite your bottom lip, make cute eye contact, and say, “not like you.”  This one is TOP SECRET!  It works every time, I guarantee or your money back.

-Be able to get ready in fifteen minutes.  You don’t need to do this every time, but he needs to know that you are able to get ready on the fly when necessary.

-Don’t talk about your period.

-Do NOT ask him what his “number” is.  Let me say this again.  DO NOT ASK HIM WHAT HIS NUMBER IS!

-If he opens the car door for you, reach over and unlock the driver’s side for him.

-Pretend to know about something he is interested in.  Without being creepy, find out about a subject he is into, that he doesn’t think you know he is into.  Example: (A shitty one, but an example still), you’re in his car and see a book in the backseat about mixology.  Don’t say anything about it, then go do some homework.  Just spend twenty minutes researching some generalities on mixology, then next time you see him and it gets “casually” brought up in conversation, modestly impress him with your knowledge on the subject matter.  Real life example:  I had a harmless crush on this foreign valet guy.  I thought he sounded Russian, but asked one of his co-worker’s where he was from, and was informed that he’s from Serbia.  So, I wikipediad (yes, I just turned that into a verb) some general info on the country, and bam!  Now he thinks I’m a cultured, wise and hopefully irresistible because I use to eye fuck him like it was my job.

-Show some skin, but not too much!  If you’re wearing a low cut top, do not wear a short skirt.  If you’re wearing a short skirt, pair it with a not so revealing top.  Remember, we’re going for love not lust here!

-Want him, but don’t need him.

-Tell him you’re not really into relationships.  Whether this is true or not, act like it is.  This will make you seem “dangerous.”  We always fall for the dangerous boy over the nice one.  Secret:  It works both ways!

-Make him feel special by lying.  I used to bring guys to this awesome “secret spot” that overlooked the water and had this beautiful view and was sort of secluded.  I would tell them I had never brought anyone else there before… I was totally full of shit.  Example 2: Tell him an anecdote that is relatively personal (keep it short and sweet though, don’t talk his head off) and then tell him that you’ve never told anyone else that before.  I know, I’m going to hell.

-Keep your room smelling nice, and always have a dark-colored comforter.  Get rid of your Martha Stewart pastel colored crap.

-Let shit go!  Be easy going!

-Do not pee in front of him or talk about poop.  As far as you’re concerned, girl’s don’t poop!  This rule (along with some of the others), bend with time of course.  But at the beginning, he will always think it’s weird if you pee in front of him and he doesn’t want to be reminded that your butt functions as anything more than a cute spectacle.

-In the sac, teeter on the line of seeming utterly vulnerable, yet sure/dominating at the same time.  I know, it’s tricky.  Show him that you’re comfortable with your sexuality and you know what you want, but at the same time you need to come across as somewhat fragile.

-Be spontaneous!  Go hop a fence and jump into a pool together, go on a mini road trip, sneak onto the roof of a tall building and make-out!

-Be someone he wants to fuck AND talk to.  Guys generally look at a girl and see one or the other.  You want to be both.  This is ultimately what will make him fall in love with you and what I would consider to be the most important on the list.

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Ten Ways to Survive the Holidays

1.  Avoid the mall.

2.  Bake pies.

3.  Kiss and cuddle with the windows open.

4.  Drink lots of Champagne.

5.  Repeat above.

6.  Do not stress over gift giving, it’s not what’s important.

7.  Avoid Christmas music.

8.  Watch the good Christmas movies.

9.  When forced to make small talk with people you only see once a year, just pretend to have lost your voice.

10.  Give.  Give as much as you can.

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Some of My Rules to Live By

  • Always carry a toolbox in your trunk.
  • Don’t sleep with someone you might not be talking to in a month.
  • Own a great stereo system.
  • Listen to full albums, not just songs.
  • Don’t boo.  Not even at the ref.
  • Meet your neighbors.
  • In disagreements, don’t dredge up the past.
  • Get over being a germaphobe.
  • Let your kids believe in magic.
  • Pretend to be brave, even when you’re not.
  • Spend your money on experiences, not things.
  • Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.
  • Eat mostly what comes from the ground.
  • Defend people you care about.  It’s the most powerful expression of love and respect.
  • Remember names when being introduced.
  • Go see live music and support your local music scene.
  • Never question someone’s tattoo.
  • Chew with your mouth shut.
  • Put 10% of every paycheck into your savings account.  Just do it.
  • Listen, instead of always waiting for your turn to speak.
  • Learn how to learn.
  • Keep secrets.
  • Take the stairs.  Elevators are for suckers.
  • Begin each day with a happy song.
  • Acknowledge the person you’re walking past on the street, even if it’s just with a head nod.
  • Don’t be a slave to your phone.  Learn cell phone etiquette.  The person in front of you should always be the first priority.
  • Give.
  • Never underestimate the sex appeal of jeans and a plain t-shirt.
  • Remember the people from your past, but forgive yourself, and each other for growing up.
  • Immerse yourself in art.
  • Never sign for certified mail.  Nine times out of ten it will get you in trouble.
  • Put your cart away at the grocery store.
  • Never use the word fagg_ _.  It’s the most offensive word in the English language and it was only funny in The Hangover.
  • Play in the rain.
  • Remember that you’re only as happy as you try to be.
  • Pay the toll for the car behind you.  Unless you’re in New Jersey where there’s a toll booth every fifteen feet and they’re $6 each.
  • Embrace your vices, it’s fun.  Just do it in a non self-destructive way.
  • Girls, don’t be afraid of getting your hair wet at the beach/pool.
  • Love wholly.  Having “your guard” up is lame.
  • Don’t judge what you don’t understand.
  • Never lie to your doctor.
  • Treat the garbage man the same way you would the Queen of England.
  • Don’t be afraid to do things alone.
  • Respect the person you’re kissing.  Put your hand on their chest and feel his/her heartbeat.
  • Listen to NPR.
  • A handshake beats an autograph.
  • Get out of your car and knock on the door instead of calling to tell someone that you’re there.
  • Don’t litter, you prick.
  • Refrain from annihilating the English language.
  • Remember that a healthy relationship is wanting the person you’re with, not needing them.
  • Return all things you’ve borrowed.
  • Always have at least one plant to take care of.
  • Brain sex is the best form of foreplay.
  • Stop buying stuff you don’t need.
  • Give people chances.
  • Give everyone the time of day.
  • Just be nice.
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