I decided that I want to date a rapper. Preferably by the name, Yo-Yo-Mama, but I won’t get into how I came up with that. It involved me, my Nana and my Aunt while watching a soap opera from the ’70s, so I won’t bore you with more details. I’ll settle for a rapper that goes by another name, but I think I’m going to stay away from any whose stage name starts with “‘Lil.” I just know that I could never successfully sleep with anyone who is serious about going by a name that starts with ‘Lil. (I’m sorry ‘Lil Wayne, you’re awesome, but I could never sleep with you.) Even if this imaginary rapper that I am not going to sleep with is really good in bed, I know I would inevitably start laughing out loud right when the thought that I am currently sleeping with someone who has the fake word of “‘lil” involved with his identity crosses my mind. This thought would probably cross my mind every few seconds because I am convinced that my brain has a forever diabolical plan to sabotage me. Anyway, I’ve dated enough fucking guitar players, and I’ve had my fair share of drummers and bass players and lead singers, so I think it’s time to test out a rapper. It’s possible that this is the worst idea I’ve ever had because lead singers often have this severe condition called Lead Singer Syndrome.
Lead Singer Syndrome- A serious social affliction with an unknown origin. Theories suggest that it could be a birth defect, and a symptom of such is becoming the lead singer of a band. However, the most widely accepted theory is that after becoming a lead singer, the subject develops feelings of self-obsession and superiority and has a tendency to burn bridges (metaphorically speaking). The lasting effect is that everyone secretly hates him/her.
Before I piss off too many of my friends, I would like to make a very important note which is, not all lead singer’s are plagued with this syndrome. But it’s a solid majority.
Not that I know any rappers, but I am taking an educated guess that they may have the worst cases of the syndrome. I suppose if I am being realistic, Eminem falls under the category of rappers that I do not know, though sometimes I like to imagine that he is my boyfriend and we know each others minds and bodies well. He is a great kisser. Well, I’ve made the executive decision that he is a great kisser. Maybe that’s the difference between stalkers and everyone else. I like to pretend that Eminem is my boyfriend and that he is a great kisser, but I understand that he is not actually my boyfriend and that I know nothing of his kissing capabilities. I don’t think that the people who turn into true stalkers can make that distinction. So if you’re reading this Eminem, don’t worry, I’m not going to show up at your house wearing a fancy dress with mascara running down my face and holding a gun, declaring that you forgot to meet me at our spot for our anniversary so now we both have to die. The craziest thing I’ll do if we ever happen to meet is, I will totally ask you out on a date.
Sorry, I got on the topic of Eminem because I was in the midst of saying that it’s very possible that rappers have severe self-obsession characteristics, but I wanted to make it clear that in Caitlin World, Eminem does not fall under that umbrella of possibility.
The only rap show I had ever been to was a Tyler the Creator show sometime last year. Or maybe it has been two years… after you turn 25, years are fairly meaningless. I don’t know how the fuck I ended up at a Tyler the Creator show, considering that the only reason I had ever heard that name before was because when I was living in Los Angeles, my sister came to visit and she saw him at Amoeba Records and peed her pants over it. Fat Face was going to the show with his hipster roommates, so I guess he just asked me if I wanted to join and I said yes because I had never been to a rap show and I generally say yes to any of his suggestions. Unless it involves turkey, which in Fat Face world, seems to be a frequent occurrence. If he mentions turkey, then I shamelessly say, fuck no. Turkey meat smells and tastes the most like something dead. Anyway, the Tyler show was great.
My second experience with a rap show was very recently. I started working at one of the local music venues while I’m home. I just go in on days that they have a show and help with loading or merch or stagehand stuff or whatever they need. One of the shows was Mike Stud. I had never heard of him before. He’s some white kid that played baseball in college and the only reason that I know that is because I googled him twice because I kept forgetting what his damn name is and I needed to make a spreadsheet with his name on it as well as the opening and supporting acts. I actually just googled him again, because I forgot his name again. So Mike Stud, if you’re reading this, you need a new stage name because clearly, yours is forgettable. With that being said, you kind of won me over with your ridiculous show and though I would rather go on a date with Eminem, I wouldn’t mind making-out with you as a plan B option.
At first, I thought that the show was a fucking joke. I got a sort of behind the scenes look at it, and after witnessing the sound check, texted 0069 (my good touring friend who does front of house audio) telling him, “You need to get a FOH gig on a rap tour. I have never seen such an easy/simple soundcheck.” He texted me back saying, “Been there. They don’t like white guys.” Fair enough.
Mike Stud had his whole crew on stage which was essentially just his friends, and they were all just doing the typical arm movements that white guys do when rapping or listening to rap, which to me, just looks like slow motion karate chops. They were trying to go for a house party feel, and I thought it was lame. I was literally laughing out loud, in the corner of the venue with my backpack on and boots and a “Brand New” t-shirt, while every other girl was 17 years old and wearing mid-drifts and those shorts that go up to your belly button. They had a case of Bud Light on stage, and a bottle of some flavored vodka and they all kept chugging. He had a boy band look and feel and I thought the whole thing was incredibly gimmicky and Lead Singer Syndrome-ish. So if you’re a rapper, giving your friends stupid job titles so that they can come on tour with you is a real thing. I thought that was an urban legend. For example, the merch guy was never actually at the merch table. He was busy being on stage and doing the slow motion karate chops while simultaneously texting and drinking Bud Light along with the rest of the “crew.”
Over the next hour I laughed at how some of the rappers kept kidnapping peoples phones so that they could film themselves rapping, and then give the phone back (an act that would never occur during a rock show). I chuckled by myself at how the “bodyguard” pretended to be relevant and kept coming on stage when someone reached out for a high five. It all seemed very unprofessional when compared to what I am used to. But then, after a while of being a judgmental jerk, I checked myself and realized… I’m obviously being entertained! I stood here watching this when I could have just left and came back after the performance. So that means that it was a successful show.
Then I found myself fantasizing about making-out with Mike Stud. There was something about him. That’s common though in lead singers or rappers or front-men or whatever. They are generally charismatic because… well, that’s how you become a lead singer! You have to have that spark that gets people to want to watch you on stage. That’s what also makes them the most dangerous.
The show that I thought I couldn’t relate to at all, forced me to remember that it’s the energy that we all have in common. No matter what kind of music you like, if you appreciate the energy that live music provides, then you can find something to enjoy about any genre of live music. Just don’t be all judgy about it the way I was at first. Within Mike Stud’s peformance, I went from wanting to slap him, to wanting to kiss him. His music is still terrible, but whatever, the show was fun. Kissing him was very conceivable. All I had to do was go out back after I was done with my duties and turn up my flirt notch. I was tired though, and settled on the idea that I will find a rapper to make-out with when I am not exhausted.
So, if you’re a rapper that miraculously doesn’t have Lead Singer Syndrome, then call me! My number is 727-686-4819. I am a good muse, I like gin and juice, I am not offended by the word bitch and I’ll practice looking cool while doing the karate chop arm movement thing.
… And I swear on my sister’s life that as I am writing this, this cute black guy with dreadlocks is rapping after he just put down his acoustic guitar. Bye! Got to go flirt.