Of the eight boys that I’m semi dating right now, my favorite is my smooth boyfriend. (Please see Vol. 14 if you’re wondering why and how I got myself into this mess.) I definitely spend the most time with him and he makes me laugh. He gave his couch a name, he wears socks with pictures on them and he is also obsessed with salmon and has taken to texting me every single time he gets some. “I’ve got some good news for you. I just ate some salmon.” is the latest message I received from him.
I actually met him at least a year and a half ago when Rory and I were playing pool at a local dive bar. A handful of us started hanging out that night and naturally, the conversation immediately turned vulgar and hilarious, so smooth boy and I have had an unspoken bond since. When the very first conversation you have with a stranger is about anal sex, it’s safe to say that you’re bonded for life.
After that, smooth boy and I would say what’s up if we saw each other in that bar, but I didn’t even know his name and he was usually busy playing pool (it’s pretty sexy how good he is at it) and I was usually busy flirting with whoever my flavor of the month was. For the first time since the anal conversation a year and a half ago, we had a conversation that lasted more than ten syllables just a few weeks ago, but unfortunately I was wasted. I was a hot fucking mess that night and woke up the following morning scared that I was kissing this OTHER dude with a red beard at the bar which would be so embarrassing and white trash of me. I decided that I did make a fool of myself at the bar and I came to this conclusion not because I remembered or had solid evidence, but because of my rule.
Caitlin Rule: Always assume the worst when trying to remember the details about the drunken night before.
Before I may or may not have been kissing red beard, I was definitely chatting it up and laughing with smooth boy. We had chemistry and though I don’t remember what in the hell we were talking about for so long, I do remember that for a moment, it felt like we were the only two in the bar. It would have been worth trying to see him again, but I was not about to step foot in that bar though for at least a few months, and I was confident that there was a chance that he thought I was a giant hoe, so oh well. I’ll see him around in a few months, I thought. A few days later, I was walking up to a restaurant to get a late night bite to eat and I hear, “Don’t you go to Harbor Bar?” Oh shit, who is this going to be? is what I was thinking as I turned around. It was smooth boy. Crap. The one person that I was the most embarrassed to see because I had accepted the fact that I had been flirting with him that night, and then started making-out with someone else at the bar in front of him.
I sucked it up though and sat down and ate some food with the guy. Fifteen minutes into the conversation, I got the courage to just flat out ask him. “No! You were totally fine that night,” he said. “I didn’t even realize you were that drunk.” What a relief! Whoo! I gave myself an inner congratulations. I must have just thought about kissing red beard. Or maybe I kissed him outside the bar. Who the hell knows, I’ve avoided that guy since.
Now it’s a week later and I just went to the strip club with him. Of course, because what could be more absurd than me, a white 29 year old girl in my faded band t-shirt and leather jacket, rolling into a strip club with these motherfuckers:
Smooth boy, who is black by the way, and wearing red shoes that corresponded with the red lettering on his Nike t-shirt and immediately started yelling with his wad of one’s, “We’re going to change the weather pattern in this bitch!”
Kid bartender. He’s a white, 21 year old kid who wears a silver chain around his neck and says bro a lot. That makes him sound lame, but it is important to note that he is very sexy and I would cougar the shit out of him. Well, not now because he is smooth boys’ friend and I do have some morals. But, I am willing to bet that Kid bartender could get laid every single night of the week by a different girl if he wanted to. He’s sweet and I can relate to him because we both recognize the fact that the only reason why the opposite sex is attracted to us, is because of our hair.
Sweet M. She’s a big black woman, probably in her 40’s, who wears a fake ponytail and big pink t-shirts. She’s hilarious and has game! If you could have seen her in that strip club, she was giving us all lessons on how to be a player. She is a wonderful lady, gives the best hugs and I love being around her.
So that was our motley crew at the strip club. Kid Bartender and Sweet M were getting lap dances in the back while Smooth boy and I were failing at getting a drink. The bartender in that place seemed to be the only person who was drunk in that whole establishment. Getting three beers was a fifteen minute ordeal due to her temporary inability to see, hear or have authority of her motor functions.
Each of them EASILY dropped $250 that night. I just sat back and let everyone entertain me. The crew that I was with was just as entertaining as the strippers were. When a song came on that he liked, Smooth boy would yell at whoever was on stage, “Oooo girl, you better do something good with this song!” Then he would literally run over to the stage, hold a wad of cash in front of the stripper like a launch vessel that he was teasing them with. If they sucked, he had no issues with shouting advice at them.
One stripper had this fringe type, belly dancer thing around her waist. It was pretty annoying because it made that obnoxious sound, so Smooth boy took it upon himself to let the manager who was walking by know. “That Moroccan bitch has got to go. Get this girl back on stage,” he said as he pointed to the stripper that Sweet M was whispering to who looked like they pulled her straight out of the Amazon.
Later, I heard that jingle jangling approaching and Smooth boy and I immediately made eye contact and said at the same time, “here comes the Moroccan bitch!” When she walked by, he said, “Morocco! What’s up? Girl, we knew that was you coming.” I don’t think she got it, but I thought it was hysterical, and him and I high-fived and were laughing our asses off. One of the things that I do like about Smooth boy, is that he initiates high fives with me. A lot of boys hate high-fiving their girlfriends or any girl who they may want in their bed at any time in their life for that matter. I’m not exactly sure why, but it seems to be a thing.
I would like to note that we were all sober.
During all this, Kid Bartender was leaning back with his feet propped up, while the strippers came to him and he nonchalantly put a wad of dollars in their thong like a pro.
The night ended with me and Smooth boy on his couch that he has named, watching Family Guy and discussing the best ways to prepare salmon. Perfect night.