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Adventures of Touring with a Rock Band – The Advisory Edition

It had been a while since I’d been to a punk rock show.  I was volunteering at a local music festival this past week, and things have changed since my day of attending these increasingly gimmicky performances.  A real punk rock band is hard to come by nowadays.  I’m sorry, but Pennywise’s 11,632nd show you just attended, does not constitute as punk rock.  Although, I do have a pretty punk rock story about Fletcher of Pennywise that I will digress into, since erratic anecdotal accounts of past events are kind of my style.

While on Warped Tour, that one terrible summer of 2010, Pennywise jumped onto the tour for only a few dates.  The members now being in their 40’s, with their scorched voices, calloused fingertips, a beautifully adapted circulatory system that permanently has more alcohol than red blood cells flowing through its’ veins, functional clothing and zero self consciousness made these screamo, auto-tune, I-carry-a-flask-with-me-because-I’m-hardcore, tight-shirt/studded belt/make-up wearing bands that are so self-conscious they can’t make eye contact with anyone who might be cooler than them, look like amateurs.

One of these bands… that starts with an A found Fletcher on their bus at 3:00am.  Apparently he had drunkenly stumbled on, and I have no doubt, he was very aware that it wasn’t his bus, but just didn’t give a fuck because he wanted a goddamn sandwich.  Yes, when “A” band discovered Fletcher, the Pennywise guitarist demanded a sandwich.  Instead of doing the punk rock thing, and making this dude a sandwich, offering him a beer and a bonding conversation, they tried kicking him off the bus.  When Fletcher wouldn’t comply, they punched him and called the Cops.  To make it worse, Warped has its own security that you can call in situations such as these… but they called the Police.  “A” went through the rest of the tour being known as the band who called the cops on Pennywise.  Pussies.

Back to my point, along with the slow, ugly descent of truly raw shows, show etiquette seems to also be a dying practice.  A few things I noticed at this festival that I would like to address for anyone who attends such performances:

1.  Boys, take care of the girls.  This used to be an unspoken rule, a silent pact amongst the male show-goers, but it seems to have lost its significance.  I’m putting an end to that right now.  It is punk rock to be courteous of fellow listeners, especially the girls.  I’m all about jumping and thrashing and moshing and whatever else your music fueled body is commanding you to do, but if you accidentally hit a girl or run into her or knock her down, you stop what your doing, you turn around and look her in the eye you probably just bruised, and sincerely say, “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”  When I was a teenager going to these shows, they could be hazardous, but I was never worried or intimidated because I knew the guys had my back.  If I fell over, immediately a dude was their to help me up and take a few seconds of his time to make sure I was okay, before going back to full music immersion.  As a male at a punk rock show, it is your duty to look out for the females.

2.  If you’re in the pit, do not stop and look for something you dropped.  While watching A Wilhelm Scream, in the middle of a song, in the middle of a pit, this poser stopped moshing, turned on his phone flashlight and began looking for his dropped hat.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I wanted Nuno to call him out from on stage, but he’s way too sweet for anything like that.  The worst part was, other moshers’ started helping him!  Fuck this kid’s hat!  We’ve got a show to watch!

3.  Don’t throw elbows in the pit.  It’s just not nice.

4.  Don’t spit.  It’s just not nice.

5.  Border patrol!  This is important and very appreciated when done properly.  If you find yourself on the edge of the pit, it is your automatic duty to keep the moshers from infiltrating the borders.  Think of yourself as those cops at protests who wear the plastic mask things and sport shields.  And just like sitting at the emergency exit seat of a plane, if you’re not up for the job, you need to move.  At this past festival, during The Draft, I kind of fell in love with this kid whose face I never saw, I only saw the back of his head.  Despite my being right next to the pit, my full attention was able to be on the band because this guy was an expert at border patrol.  I didn’t have to worry about getting smashed into and losing my footing at all because he kept throwing those kids back in before they could do any damage to the rest of us.  Thank you, stranger.

6.  If the pit has ceased, fill that space back in!  As someone who has seen an inactive, empty pit from stage, it looks pathetic.  When the moshers are done, don’t be scared, just walk in and fill that space back up.  The others will follow, I promise.

7a.  If you’re going to attempt crowd surfing, please only do it when there is a crowd, you dumb fuck.  If you get your 110lbs. friend to try to hoist you up, don’t expect anything else to happen after that if the crowd is only three rows deep.

7b.  If there is a crowd however, and you’re going to crowd surf from on stage, you better fucking JUMP off of the stage.  One of the more embarrassing things I’ve ever witnessed (ranking right up there with the junior high talent shows) was this guy during the Audacity show, who got on stage, and then instead of jumping off, he SLOWLY, ass first, leaned back into the crowd, as if he was testing the stability of an old wicker chair.  I shook my head in shame.

That’s all for now!  Contact me with any comments or questions.  Thanks for listening and enjoy the show!

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How to Make a Guy Fall in Love With You

These were some of my secrets, in no particular order.

-Be forward.  Playing hard to get is overrated.  If you like him and the two of you vibe, straight up say, “I like you,” then grab his face and make-out with him.

-Keep your past a mystery.  Ambiguity = Intrigue!  Example: When/if he asks why you and your ex broke up, do NOT, for the love of God, tell that story.  Instead, say something along the lines of, “Oh, just life.  So many reasons that don’t even matter anymore.”  Example 2: He asks, “What brought you out here?” (I get that a lot living in Los Angeles), keep it a mystery!  I usually respond with, “I’d tell you that story… but it’s not a very interesting one.”  Not only is this true in my case, (ha!) but it keeps the boys wanting more.  Keep them wanting more in more areas than one!

-Never refer to him as, “dude.”

-Get your vagina under control!  Rinse that shit out regularly with water!  No excuse for foul smells!

-Call yourself out.  Example: I am generally pretty low maintenance, but I have my girly moments.  When these occur, I straight up say, “I’m sorry, I’m about to be such a girl right now, but I have nothing to wear.”  Without that disclaimer, I would lose cool points immediately in his book.  But because I own up to my occasional ridiculousness, I not only get away with it, but I gain cool points because now he knows that I am able to check myself.  Example 2: My feet are NOT cute.  I have disgusting, fat, square, dancer’s feet.  Instead of trying to curl them under while cuddling together on the couch, I just openly make fun of my “Flinstone feet.”  Now I’ve manipulated him into thinking that my “negative” is kind of endearing.

-Magic words, “not like you.”  When he compliments you… says you’re beautiful or sexy or have a pretty smile, or whatever, instead of blushing and saying thank you, gently bite your bottom lip, make cute eye contact, and say, “not like you.”  This one is TOP SECRET!  It works every time, I guarantee or your money back.

-Be able to get ready in fifteen minutes.  You don’t need to do this every time, but he needs to know that you are able to get ready on the fly when necessary.

-Don’t talk about your period.

-Do NOT ask him what his “number” is.  Let me say this again.  DO NOT ASK HIM WHAT HIS NUMBER IS!

-If he opens the car door for you, reach over and unlock the driver’s side for him.

-Pretend to know about something he is interested in.  Without being creepy, find out about a subject he is into, that he doesn’t think you know he is into.  Example: (A shitty one, but an example still), you’re in his car and see a book in the backseat about mixology.  Don’t say anything about it, then go do some homework.  Just spend twenty minutes researching some generalities on mixology, then next time you see him and it gets “casually” brought up in conversation, modestly impress him with your knowledge on the subject matter.  Real life example:  I had a harmless crush on this foreign valet guy.  I thought he sounded Russian, but asked one of his co-worker’s where he was from, and was informed that he’s from Serbia.  So, I wikipediad (yes, I just turned that into a verb) some general info on the country, and bam!  Now he thinks I’m a cultured, wise and hopefully irresistible because I use to eye fuck him like it was my job.

-Show some skin, but not too much!  If you’re wearing a low cut top, do not wear a short skirt.  If you’re wearing a short skirt, pair it with a not so revealing top.  Remember, we’re going for love not lust here!

-Want him, but don’t need him.

-Tell him you’re not really into relationships.  Whether this is true or not, act like it is.  This will make you seem “dangerous.”  We always fall for the dangerous boy over the nice one.  Secret:  It works both ways!

-Make him feel special by lying.  I used to bring guys to this awesome “secret spot” that overlooked the water and had this beautiful view and was sort of secluded.  I would tell them I had never brought anyone else there before… I was totally full of shit.  Example 2: Tell him an anecdote that is relatively personal (keep it short and sweet though, don’t talk his head off) and then tell him that you’ve never told anyone else that before.  I know, I’m going to hell.

-Keep your room smelling nice, and always have a dark-colored comforter.  Get rid of your Martha Stewart pastel colored crap.

-Let shit go!  Be easy going!

-Do not pee in front of him or talk about poop.  As far as you’re concerned, girl’s don’t poop!  This rule (along with some of the others), bend with time of course.  But at the beginning, he will always think it’s weird if you pee in front of him and he doesn’t want to be reminded that your butt functions as anything more than a cute spectacle.

-In the sac, teeter on the line of seeming utterly vulnerable, yet sure/dominating at the same time.  I know, it’s tricky.  Show him that you’re comfortable with your sexuality and you know what you want, but at the same time you need to come across as somewhat fragile.

-Be spontaneous!  Go hop a fence and jump into a pool together, go on a mini road trip, sneak onto the roof of a tall building and make-out!

-Be someone he wants to fuck AND talk to.  Guys generally look at a girl and see one or the other.  You want to be both.  This is ultimately what will make him fall in love with you and what I would consider to be the most important on the list.

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