Tag Archives: gay

Confessions of a Heedless Sinner – Vol. 6

I completely blew off the bartender today who I spoke of in Volume 4.  I do feel bad about it, but I will not subject you to my tales of self-hatred and woes.  Instead I am going to talk about why it just wasn’t going to work.  Last time I hung out with her, I had what I like to call, an “uh-oh moment.”  I think we all have had these moments, but I have actually named it because it unfortunately happens oh so very often and it is the beginning of the end.

The “uh-oh moment” is that single second, after your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuck-buddy/romantic interest does or says something that can be pin-pointed, which causes an unexplainable switch to go off in your brain, and from that moment on, you just know that you will never be attracted to that person again.  There is no going back.  I’ve grown to recognize these moments, and when it happens, I literally think, “uh-oh” in my mind because I know that no matter how hard I try to salvage romantic feelings, or force myself to be turned-on by the person, it’s simply a lost cause.  It’s sad, because it’s never something the person did wrong… it’s one of the few times that it is truly a “it’s not you, it’s me” occurrence.

For example, I was at the bartender’s apartment just lounging around chatting with her.  She is absolutely beautiful, and has this great energy that radiates from her, but she hit me with, “I think humans are the product of aliens mating with monkeys.”


Ummmm I’m sorry, you think what?!

She explained that she doesn’t exactly believe in evolution because if we came from monkeys, then there would be no more monkeys.  Okay, I didn’t even justify that with a response.  Then she went on to say that she believes in intelligent alien life.  I have no problem with that.  I think that it’s naive and close-minded of us to not believe that there is some kind of other life in the universe.  As far as it being intelligent is up for debate, but not something I have a strong opinion about.  Then, she says that she believes that these aliens visit Earth all of the time… shit… please stop talking and I may be able to write that statement off as hopelessly endearing.  But she kept going, and hit me with her brilliant theory of evolution:

Aliens were a dying breed, so they needed to procreate with a stronger species.  They came to Earth on their space ships, fucked apes, thus creating humans as their offspring.

      +            =      

She was dead serious.

I have only gone out with this girl a few times, so I tried to be polite during the discussion, suppressing my “call-out” urges.  I do have a bad habit of calling people out when they say something embarrassingly stupid.  Anyway, when I rebutted with the two species cannot procreate fact, she had no idea what I was talking about.  “What do you mean?  What about donkeys?”

Oh man, the hits just keep on coming.  First of all, I think you mean mules.

I informed her of the simple law of science, that while yes, a mule is a product of two different species, the line ends there.  A mule cannot produce another mule.  She was dumbfounded and so was I.

Despite my uh-oh moment, I still made plans with her for this week like a jackass.  I never learn.  The closer the date came to seeing her again, the more I knew I just didn’t want to.  It was doomed.  Yes, I was a bitch and blew her off when I should have just called her and let her down easy, but as stated, we had only hung out a few times, so a serious, “this isn’t working out” discussion seemed just that… a little too serious.  No excuses though.   I do feel bad about it but like I said, I’ll leave my confessions of self-hatred for a private journal entry.

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Confessions of a Heedless Sinner – Vol. 4

Girl walks into a bar…

She leaves with the big question, “Was that guy drunk or just socially awkward?”

I occasionally will stop at a random Pub on my way home from an outing.  I don’t think this is strange, but apparently everyone else does.  Each time I decide to do this, I get roughly five minutes with myself and my beer, before some guy or guys decide to strike up a conversation by stating how unusual it is to see a girl at a bar by herself.  How am I supposed to respond to that?  “Oh, cool.”?

Caitlin Rule: Do not attempt to start a conversation with a line that is difficult to respond to.

The strangers that I really love talking to, are the ones that are slightly socially awkward, but not enough to where  you are unable to hold a conversation with him.  I can handle socially awkward men, but for some reason socially awkward women freak me out.  Anyway, I met one of these guys last week.

I had been moderately flirting with the bartender since I arrived.  She was giving me the eyes, and I wasn’t sure if it was genuine, or if it was just the, “bartender way.”  Bartender’s will flirt with her:

if it means getting a good tip.  I usually have pretty good “gaydar,” but the red lights didn’t flash when I saw her.  You never know in Los Angeles though.  As the night progressed, it became very clear that my gaydar was off, and she was into me.

This pale, skinny kid takes a seat next to me.  We exchanged MAYBE four sentences, and then he moves around in his seat and exclaims, “I’m so anxious right now.”

I just started laughing, I couldn’t help it.  Social awkwardness at its best.  I knew I was going to like him.  Obviously, I asked why, and he just said he didn’t know, followed by more fidgeting in his seat.  I made some joke, and he then, making fun of himself, yelled across the bar (way too loud of course) for a paper bag.  We kept talking and he kept sharing too much information, like socially awkward people do, and saying inappropriate things, which socially awkward people do.  I was loving it.  It’s refreshing when compared to typical, humdrum small talk.

It was my time to leave, and the bartender slipped me her card, which I didn’t even ask for… I must have been on my game.  This cute moment was quickly interrupted by socially awkward boy saying, “Wait, are you gay?”

Again, I just started laughing.  Who asks that after only a ten minute conversation?  I love this kid!  “You’re not allowed to ask that until at least conversation number two,” I said joking around.

He then began harassing her, asking if she was gay and making conclusions.  I was still laughing, but she was obviously annoyed.  He apparently is a regular there, so she has to deal with him all the time as a customer, and not as the entertaining kid I got to experience.  I ended up answering him honestly, responding with, “Occasionally.”

To top off his lack of interpersonal skills, he then pulled out his card, right in front of the bartender, and gave it to me.  Did I just get two numbers in four seconds that are now in competition with each other?  What made it all even more perfect, was that his card was a GUCCI card.  He’s a sales associate as GUCCI.  So brilliant.

I called the bartender and we got together a few nights later.  I may have Matthew, the socially awkward Gucci worker, to thank for my steamy (such a Cosmopolitan adjective) night with her, because asking her the question, “So was that kid drunk or just socially awkward,” was the ice breaker that really got the evening going.  I do hope to have Matthew as a drinking buddy again sometime soon though!

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