You are not cool because you took “the 5,” and not, “the 101.” I have been in Los Angeles for about ten weeks now, and in a city full of pretentious behavior, the one that so far annoys me the most, is the insipid declarations of how well one knows their way around the city. Apparently, it is considered “cool” to understand the inner workings of the LA freeway system. I have been to many places, but only in LA do people attempt to one-up each other with knowledge and reasons as to why they took the route that they did, to get to the destination that we are now all at, only to be subjected to this oh so stimulating conversation. Of course, it’s mostly women who engage in such embarrassing conduct, but the occasional man is guilty of this “Caitlin fowl.” Like spilling beer is a party fowl, bragging about how you anticipated the 405’s jam-up, is a Caitlin fowl.
In the rest of the country, we call these roads, “I (insert number here).” I-95, I-10, I-75, etc. Well my friends, this is an “LA fowl.” Don’t you know it’s THE 10, THE 5, THE 405, you idiot? How dare you say, “I” and not “the.” Possibly being the last person in LA to not have a smart phone or a GPS, I have no qualms with admitting to a crowd that I need directions. When this happens, it looks like something from National Geographic. Girls flock to me like mammals in heat, and take the opportunity to prove their worth by bantering back and forth about the appropriate route I should be taking to get home. So I leave you again with this… you are not cool because you took “the 5,” and not, “the 101,” you just sound like a douche bag.