Monthly Archives: March 2016

Confessions of a Heedless Sinner – Vol. 15

If you’re just tuning in, please see Vol. 14, so you can get caught up with my current love life (or the shitshow, which is probably a more appropriate title).

I added boy number eight while simultaneously out with my smooth boyfriend.  My game is getting a lot of practice.  We were at a local bar and I was showing the smooth boy my boxing skills that I’ve been practicing when I spotted this kid at the jukebox.  I recognized him right away.  He was this guy that I had met once months before, who had left an impression on me but we never exchanged information or anything.  He had this kind of brooding mysterious thing going for him, so I shouted what I thought was his name, just to see if he would turn around.  I figured, if I get his name right, then I’ll go talk to him.  If not, then I’ll just forget about it and maybe give him a head nod when he notices me.

I shouted, and sure enough, I got the name right so he turned around.  I told my boy, “I have to go say hi to this guy.”  He is a smooth motherfucker, so he didn’t skip a beat and just said something like, “Yeah girl, you do your thing,” as he sucked down some gross sweet vodka drink that I make fun of him for.  He’s definitely my current favorite, by the way.

I chatted it up with brooding boy for a few minutes at the jukebox, and then he asked for my number which was appallingly obvious since he busted out his phone not seven feet away from my smooth motherfucker boyfriend.   Oh well.  When brooding boy actually used my number later that night, it instantly turned him into another dude on the list.  I will say that he impressed me slightly when later in the night, after seeing my smooth boyfriend touch me in a more than friends kind of way, brooding boy straight up asked me, “Is that your boytoy?”  which I responded with, “Is boytoy one word?  Either way, I don’t know if I would use that term, but sure… something like that.”  Brooding boy still called me for a date.  Like I said before, it’s astounding the level of shit that people put up with during the chase.

I try not to break date plans because that just means schedule rearrangements and unnecessary apologies and it’s just an overall pain in the ass.  With that being said, I canceled on brooding boy.  First of all, his idea of a first date was watching the sunrise.  I appreciate that he was trying to be unique I guess?  And I feel I am being gracious by using the word unique, because… really dude?  You want me to wake up at 6:00 in the fucking morning to watch a shitty sunrise over a polluted bay with traffic in the forefront with you?  Whatever.  I figured that I’d make him get a good breakfast with me and I also figured that maybe I should embrace the idea because it meant that I would have more time with the other boys.  The ones who I would pencil in for normal, human functioning hours.

I texted him to confirm that we were meeting at 7:00 in the god damn morning, but I got a vague response back at approximately 1:00am, so I took that as a no.  I didn’t even wait for further clarification because I figured on the off chance that he actually was trying to say yes in his poor attempt at a response to a very simple yes or no question, I could just inform him that he absolutely sucks at written communication.  The following morning, I got a text from him at 10:00am, asking if I was awake.  I was, and was a little annoyed that he just blatantly disregarded the fact that he broke plans with me, but I was starving.  I texted him back and asked if he wanted to get breakfast.  No response.  So I figured this kid just doesn’t have it together and I’m going to get the newspaper and read it over french toast by myself, because that’s really what I wanted to do anyway.  At this point, I was just thinking that I wanted to get this brooding boy date over with so I could move on with my life.

Not so very long story shortened… his phone seems to have difficulties.  That is an immediate red flag for me.  Not to be judgmental, because we all know that I will give anyone a chance (obviously), but a boy not having a car or a functioning phone is a big indicator to me that they just don’t have their shit together.  I don’t mean financially, because I could not care less about that.  Even if they didn’t have a car or a phone by choice, I would think that’s awesome and I would probably like them more.  However, this is never the case.  Usually, when someone doesn’t have a car or when they have one of those pre-paid phones, it just means that their life, in every area, will prove to be as big of a hassle as dealing with picking them up is, and the constant, “Call me on my roommates phone because I need to buy more minutes,” issues.  Soon enough you’ll be listening to him bitch about how he got fired because his boss hates him for some reason, but you’ll be thinking to yourself, maybe he fired you because you’re always high, show up late and do the bare minimum.  Mark my words, guys without cars and with pre-paid phones seem to attract problems.  My life is an unpredictable mess, but if YOUR life is such an unpredictable mess that you can’t commit to a phone plan, you need to lay off the drugs and re-evaluate your life.

Back to brooding boy.  After annoying communication problems that morning, we finally got a normal conversation in, in which we agreed that I would pick him up (yes, pick him up) from across town and go to lunch.  At this point, it was well passed breakfast hours.  The last thing that was said as we got off the phone was that he would pick a spot to eat at which would be nearby his place.  Not five minutes later I receive a text from him saying, “So what’s the plan?  I’ve been waiting.”  WHAT?!  I called him immediately and despite how much I do NOT know this kid I yelled, “Are you on drugs right now?!  We JUST said that you would pick a place and we would go to lunch.”  I honestly don’t even remember how he explained himself because I was way over it at this point.  I told him I had to cancel because I had a sudden obligation (which was partly true) and I haven’t decided if I’m going to attempt to waste my time on him again or not.  He seems to have really good taste in music and his Heathcliff type demeanor was doing something for me, but he’s clearly on what I call “stoner time,” and I am just not on that same clock.

 

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Confessions of a Heedless Sinner – Vol. 14

I am kind of dating eight different boys right now.  This wasn’t intentional.  It’s not as if I go out on hunts, it just happens when you’re subconsciously open to it.  My rule proved to be true.

Caitlin Rule: Tread softly with your words because once something is said out loud, it becomes real.

I received a really retarded text from a boy who kicked my ass recently, and it was kind of the last straw.  My friend Rachel was with me and in a burst of frustration I shouted, “I’m just going to go back to being a man-eater!”

Sure enough, that very night, suddenly two new boys whom I have zero possibility of a future with were in my life.  Two weeks later, and now my number is up to eight.  Yes, it is taking some bravery to write this entry because it will absolutely piss some people off, but I figure it’s a way to wean out the faint of heart.  Maybe one day I’ll find someone who understands the humor behind my exploits.  I tell all of these guys that I see other people, but most boys seem to have selective hearing, so if this comes as a shock… their bad.

Caitlin Rule: Never date a writer because they will write about you.

Right up until my outburst with Rachel, boys had kicked my ass over the past year or so.  I suppose I had it coming because for a good chunk of my twenties, I was mostly just using boys as a form of entertainment.  Of course there were some who I truly cared about, but looking back on the flings between the ages of 24-27, they mostly just provided immediate gratification and held little integrity.

There were times back then when I would be dating a handful of people at once.  To maintain some level of self-respect, I’m never sleeping with more than one person at a time.  Mostly these guys I was “dating” I would maybe see once a week and we’d go somewhere like a gallery opening or a comedy show, then have a couple of drinks.  Generally this would lead to a profound conversation and then making-out on their couch.  Then I’d smile sweetly and say, “I have to go,” and they wouldn’t hear from me again until next week… after I had done the same thing with the other four guys.

Obviously, that got tiring and meaningless.  It wasn’t a conscious decision, but somewhere along the way I did just start naturally looking for something with a little more stability.  Something to be respected.  Well, I found a few, and they just ended up kicking my ass!  I tend to not write about the ones that hurt the most, so all I’m going to say about the one who beat me up the worst (metaphorically speaking), is that I did truly try.  For the first time in a long time, and possibly only the second time in my life, I truly tried in that relationship.  He still left me though, so look where that got me!

After that, there was another guy I started seeing (again).  It wasn’t serious, but I began to believe that we could be great together if we gave it a real shot.  Now he’s a baby daddy.  Well, the chick is still pregnant, so he is a soon-to-be baby daddy, and that obviously brought on far too many complications for our mild “relationship” to stay afloat, let alone blossom.  What I’m getting at is, after all of those years of acting like an asshole and not getting emotionally invested, the second I give people some real respect, and the second I try to build relationships with solid ground, they fucking pummeled me.  So, inconsequential flings with some people who make me laugh and definitely don’t make me cry, sounds like a beautiful counteraction.  You may be thinking that “rebound” would be a more appropriate description to which I can see your point, but I don’t fully agree because rebounds insinuate that sex is taking place (which it is mostly not in my case) and rebounds also seem to be associated with a kind of darkness; an inner turmoil that one is trying to drown out with false love.  I am not in a dark place right now, I’m just having a lot of fun and not taking myself or anyone else too seriously.  I have completely eradicated hope from my life.  That may sound depressing, but I find it sincerely liberating and I’ll explain more about that some other time.

Since I have been attempting to juggle eight different boys, my personal life has been like an episode of Gossip Girl on steroids.  A few days ago, I decided to get organized.  I sat down at my desk to get to work.  I had just received my schedule for the week, so it was time to begin adjusting these boys’ lives to mine.  I began texting them, all at the same time which was a terrible idea, and quite literally had to pencil them into my calendar.  Okay, I used a pen, but still, I actually had to bust out my calendar at my desk to write in for Saturday: “Lunch with boring boy, dinner with thug boy and late drinks with baseball boy.”  Wednesday looked something like, “Coffee with boxing boy, show with skater boy? or possibly baby daddy?”  The fact that the baby daddy is still in my life is ridiculous, I know, but he’s only like 3% (a minority that doesn’t even count) in my life and I’m sure I’ll explain that story soon enough.

With this type of schedule, of course I have to prepare for the unexpected.  I mean, what if dinner with thug boyfriend (I call him this because he looks like a straight up drug dealer) goes way better than anticipated and I want to continue having him as company?  Well, that means I would have to cancel on baseball boy.  Here is why it is slightly okay… I don’t lie.  In the off-chance that thug boyfriend holds my attention for more than a couple of hours, then I will text baseball boy and tell him, “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it tonight for drinks!  I got held up at dinner.”

If baseball boy straight up asked me, “is that because you are with someone else?” I would absolutely say, yes.  But they never straight up ask.  And neither do I.  That’s not my business nor my style.  As long as things are light, I honestly could not fucking care less if I was also penciled into a guy’s calendar.  One very important thing that I learned from the boy with the white hair is that it’s crucial to understand what your role is in someone’s life.  I understand that my role in most of these guys lives are just like what their role is in mine.  They’re using me as much as I am using them and I find nothing wrong with that.  We enjoy the time and then continue.

I just got off of the phone with Cody (who is a great old friend of mine that I talk about in This Is Now), and he suspected for a moment that I was meeting these guys online.  He knows better, so I don’t think that he actually thought that, he just has a terrible case of not being able to stop his mouth from moving.  Quite literally, I don’t think he can refrain from words coming from his mouth at all times.  So he says shit that he doesn’t even mean or believe.  It’s almost like having Tourettes but with whole sentences.  I love him for it though.  Anyway, the point being that I would like to make it perfectly fucking clear that I am in no way online dating.

The point of all of this is to kind of bring you, the reader, up to speed because I think I will start chronicling this absolutely absurd dating life.  This is the first part, and I’m sure that it won’t last long because these kinds of romances never do.  For example, I thought that I’ve already crossed one guy off of the list because I accidentally sent him the wrong text, which was absolutely bound to happen.

Like I said, I have at least a little bit of self-respect, so I am only sleeping with one of these boys.  I meant to send him the text that said, “Did you throw me up against a wall or something last night?  The center of my back has a bruise on it.”  Well, I sent that text to boring boy instead.  I realized it immediately and just started laughing out loud.  I mean, what else can you do in that situation?  Then I texted it to the right guy, to which he responded, “Unfortunately we weren’t in a place to be doing that.”  Which was true… we were very much around other people for the whole night, but there was a couple of times that we stole a passionate kiss, so I thought that maybe one of those times he banged me up against a wall and I just didn’t notice because whiskey and hormones were involved.

I was busy daydreaming about him throwing me against a wall when I got the text from boring boy that said, “wrong text.”  Yeah, thanks, champ.  “Sorry about that” is all I could say back.  The truly amazing part is that I still heard from the boring boy two days later.  It’s stunning how much people are willing to put up with during the chase.

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2015 was Epic – Part 3

As I left off in part 2, the day that we were scheduled to leave Budapest, was the day that thousands of refugees flooded the train stations.  We decided to stay in Budapest for another night.  One, because Raven became obsessed with the corndogs there.  Two, we didn’t want to attempt to deal with the train stations.  Three, B (the Hungarian merch guy I mentioned before that I knew) owns a club, and he was having a party there that he invited us to.  Four, B introduced us to Palinka, a Hungarian liquor that was so good that we felt it deserved another day of our company.

The club party thing was very interesting.  For the most part, it seemed like typical clubs that we know.  There was loud music, children dancing (Fat Face and I were easily the oldest two in the establishment at a whopping 28 years old), flashy lights, people making out in corners and everyone sweating and abusing substances.  Typical.  The interesting part however, was that almost all of the people seemed to know the same choreography to every fucking song that came on.  You know how everyone knows the steps to the Macarena and the Electric Slide?  That’s kind of how this was, only it was every single song that came on and choreography that far exceeded the skills of the Electric Slide.  I have always wished that life was like a musical when at each plot advancement, everyone within proximity magically knows all of the same songs and choreography.  Well, that’s how I felt at this club in Budapest, except me, Raven and Fat Face seemed to be the only ones not in on the magical musical.  That was our last night in Budapest.

The next day, we would learn that traveling by train in Eastern Europe is nothing like traveling by train in Western Europe.  People kept telling us how accommodating and fast the trains are.  No.  They were basing these statements on experiences in all of the Western countries of Europe.  I like to think that we had a more “adventurous” experience, though Raven and Fat Face would probably just say, “No Cait, those trains just sucked.”

We arrived at the main train station, and there were plenty of news vans and whatnot; people covering the story of the Syrian refugees being held up in Hungary.  The Hungarians aren’t fucking around with the refugees, so they refuse to take them in or even acknowledge them until absolutely necessary.  On this day, it became absolutely necessary.  There were so many Syrians at the train station, that hundreds of them that morning started WALKING to Austria.  I remember that B had a hard time getting to us because he said that the highways were shutdown because these motherfuckers just straight up started walking to the border.  Which at its’ CLOSEST, is over 200 km away (about 130 miles) by the way.  After a day, Hungary realized that they had to do something, so they bussed two thousand refugees from the train stations to the Austrian border and then basically said, peace out.

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Main train station in Budapest.

 

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Raven and Fat Face waiting for the train.

Judging from the American media, you would think that it was absolute mayhem at these train stations.  But it wasn’t at all.  Sure, there were a lot of people there, but it wasn’t the chaos that the media would like to scare you into believing so that you keep watching their news and drive their ratings up.  It was really quite calm.  Mostly, people were just sitting and waiting.  Trains were cancelled, but in no way was it pandemonium.  What really left an impression on me however, was the amount of people I saw leaving the train station carrying literally nothing.  Not even a plastic bag.  I cannot even comprehend leaving for a sleepover without a backpack.  Please, take a break right here, and for a few moments, try to imagine leaving your life, your country, everything you know with literally nothing in your hands…

Holy shit, is all I can say about that.  I know that she doesn’t appreciate it now, but I did turn to my sister and say, “Do you realize that this will be written about in history books?  And we are here for it.”  She is 20 and mostly cares about Instagram but hopefully she will appreciate it someday.

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Raven not giving a fuck as she picks her nose in a bar while playing Scrabble.  Then there’s Fat Face with that damn headband that he was 100% serious about, by the way.

After a couple of minor set backs, we were on a train to Sibiu, Romania.  We grossly underestimated how much travel time would go into our trip.  The trains seem to be going approximately the same speed that I jog, and they stop every four and a half seconds with no explanation.  There is no PA system on these things, so when the train stops in the middle of no where and nothing happens, there is no one coming on the intercom to tell you what the fucking deal is.  You just wait.  On top of this, we don’t speak the language, so it’s not like a PA system would have helped anyway, but we could have tried to ask someone.  Another thing that makes traveling by train in Eastern Europe tricky, is that without the PA system, you never know what the hell city or stop you’re at.  You would think that these train stations would have signs saying what the name of the damn station is, or the city or SOMETHING!  Nope!  Most of these “stations” are more of what I would call a shelter.  They are mostly open air with a platform and a grumpy lady behind plexiglass selling the tickets.  If she doesn’t show up for work that day, I doubt they sell tickets that day and you would just be shit out of luck.  I found it amazing that these trains were even running.  Other than the main station in Budapest, we rarely saw any personnel.  But there were plenty of wild dogs.  We would learn that you know you’re out of the First World when the cities have a bunch of wild dogs.  I didn’t understand this at first.  I asked Fat Face, “What is it that they do different?  Why don’t we have a bunch of dogs roaming around in the States?”  And he knew the answer which was so completely obvious… we have pounds in the states and we round them up and kill them.  Second and Third World countries don’t have that type of infrastructure.

Back to never knowing where we were, we honestly guessed when it was time to get off of the trains.  We figured that we were mostly hitting up the bigger stops, so when everyone else gets off, that is when we will too.  Another funny thing about the train stations is that when you step off of the trains, unless it is the first track, a lot of times you’re just walking across the tracks, there are no platforms or walkways or anything.  I love that kind of stuff.  To me, it makes you feel more alive and more in touch with your surroundings.  Raven on the other hand, was just concerned with getting these train stations over with so she could find a shower and wifi, and Fat Face was probably daydreaming and playing with his gross mustache.

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Again, Raven not giving a fuck.  We were sitting on the train platform, waiting for a train and Rave is leaning back on her backpack and holding a peach that she was pissed about because it turned out to be moldy.

The trains don’t have toilet paper, and we learned that it is train etiquette to only use the toilet when the train is moving and away from any stations because there are no tanks to hold your waste.  Sexy.  The hole at the bottom of the toilet just empties to the ground.  The first train we took from Budapest to Sibiu was an overnight train, so we arrived hours before we were allowed to check into the hostel.  The hostels are all so surprisingly accommodating and always allow you to leave your bags even if you haven’t checked in yet.  It was 7:00 in the morning and we were in the middle of Transylvania and nothing was open except for gypsy panhandling.  I think the first human we ran into was a couple of little gypsy girls trying to get money from us.  I am a cunt and never gave them any money, and neither did Fat Face or Raven… except for one time, but she learned her lesson.  After being harassed by the cute little blonde eight year old gypsy with her pink pants and adorable smile for a couple of days, Raven gave her a two lire coin.  The little girl then suddenly spoke English (which she never eluded to prior) and said, “five.”  Raven LITERALLY pushed the girl away on her shoulder and said, “Noooo!” and the girl simply said, “okay okay” with her sweet smile and ran off.  Raven was pissed that she got played, but she was laughing about it.  So the gypsies in Romania… that seems to be a real thing.  Not nearly as glamorous as the stories elude though, they just send their tiny kids to the cities to beg for money.

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Us with the little gypsy girl.

Immediately next door to the hostel was a little cafe that had its’ door cracked open.  We assumed that that meant that they were open, so we walked in and sat down to order some coffee and breakfast.  Our delicious lattes were made, and then when we went to order food, the very handsome man informed us that they were not open for another half hour.  He was just being nice by letting us come in early.  Of course, this turned into our spot.  It was called Lillie’s and I probably went there three times a day because it had everything.  It had coffee, alcohol, food and wifi.  That’s considered a goldmine when you’re backpacking.  AND the owner was a hot man with salt and pepper hair and spoke very good English so Raven and I had a crush on him.  If I am ever in a position to take time away to just write, I would totally move to Sibiu for six months and go to Lillie’s everyday.  The little town would be perfect for writing or any type of art for that matter.  It’s small and quant, so there are not a bunch of distractions, and it’s beautiful, so it’s inspiring.

 

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We rented bikes again and found an overgrown rugby field that we did handstands in and climbed up the makeshift bleachers.  Makeshift being the important word in that sentence, because they were actually just two concrete slabs and then a metal standing rectangle thing that you could climb up.  Fat Face found a bow and arrow that was obviously crafted by children, so we played around with that for a while too.  Fat Face was surprisingly talented with it.  Maybe he should get into archery.

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The bleachers.

 

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It made me envy the simple life.  Kids there still play outside and people aren’t in such a damn rush and families stick together and they aren’t constantly wanting more.  In Sibiu, the way of life seemed to be, you’re born, you live in a way that you give as much as you take, and then you die.  Simple as that.  They don’t seem to have these existential questions and fascinations the way we do in the States and other First World countries where we are all into psychology, finding meaning, career success, etc.  Probably because they don’t have the luxury to do that.  They have chickens to attend to, water to boil, a fence to fix and a kid to bathe.  Maybe that’s partly where the former oppression comes into play.  These countries were in Communist rule not too long ago, so maybe these people just don’t strive for more all of the time because it has never been an option for them and they don’t question much because they were never allowed to.

Next stop, Bucharest.

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Had to add this… this is Fat Face concentrating on NOT throwing-up.

 

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If Life Were a Board Game, it would be Called ‘Give & Take’

I have found myself discussing my take on feminism more frequently recently.  Maybe it’s because of the Hilary Clinton candidacy and it’s the season for political discussions.  I try not to get too political on this blog, but I think the point I am about to make is something that we should all start considering.  It’s not exactly a political point, I just think it’s common sense but I’m sure plenty of people disagree.

Women and men are NOT equal.  I wish we would stop trying to pretend like we are.  That’s the problem with the women’s equality movement, they are not having the right conversation.  They are right that women are equally as important and integral as men, but that does not mean we are the same.

Let’s get serious, men are absolutely better at certain things than women.  It’s fine, just let it be because on the other hand, women are much better at certain things than men.  I think where the problem lies, is that the things that women are naturally better at, are not valued as much in this society as the things men are naturally better at than women.  Society needs to start recognizing that women’s strengths are equally as integral as mens.  That should be the conversation.

For example, men are much better athletes.  It’s just nature, get over it.  Yes, everyone is going to watch the men’s soccer over the women’s when they’re airing at the same time because it’s just better!  Sorry girls.  Women are naturally better at communication.  Women in communication positions excel.  This does not mean that there aren’t good female athletes, or that there aren’t good male secretaries, it just means that it takes both to make up the world.  I think that may be my main point.  Biology knows what’s up.  It made men and women different for a reason, and that reason is because the world needs the strengths of each gender to maintain equilibrium.

*It’s probably important to state now that of course there are exceptions, I am just speaking in generalities.

I personally think that men are generally better at leadership positions.  There is something in the make-up of a male, that makes it easier for them to separate personal from professional.  Some of you may be offended, but why?  Why is it viewed as a weakness to take things personally?  It makes women naturally more empathetic and I think that is an amazing quality.  So girls, stop trying to pretend like you don’t take things personally.  Stop trying to act manly!  That’s not the answer.   What you believe is a weakness is actually a strength and it keeps things in balance.  Playing into the perception that emotions (just for one example) is a weakness, is making the issue of inequality worse.

Women have far superior natural instincts and manipulation skills.  That’s not even a matter of opinion, that’s pretty damn close to fact.  We already use those skills to manipulate men in leadership roles anyway, so why not embrace that?  A good example is a circumstance I found myself in with Vox, the boy I discuss in 2015 was Epic.  I convinced him to read this book with me which was all about minimizing our carbon footprint.  First of all, it was much easier as a woman, to get him to read the damn book.  He doesn’t read much, so I doubt if a dude asked him to read it that he would have.  I was so insistent (bordering on annoying, I’m sure) on the practices of the book, that he went on to get the multi-million dollar company he works for, to make the necessary changes to become a “green” company.  I know that if I were in his position, it would have been harder for me to make that happen.  He’s better at commanding than I am and I am perfectly comfortable with admitting that.  However, I’m better at communication and manipulation, so the whole thing probably would not have happened had it not been for my skill set.  It’s an excellent example of how we paired up our different strengths and made something happen.

Life is just a giant game of give and take.  I need challenging, intellectual conversations in my life.  I’m not going to lie, I usually get that from men.  I find myself in cerebral conversations more often with men then women.  However, I equally need conversations about how I am feeling emotionally.  Just as much as I need an outlet to discuss my theories on economic division or Eastern philosophies, it is equally important to my world to have someone to talk to about how bad my feelings were hurt when a boy left me.  To you, that may sound like I’m devaluing the intellect of women, but to me, it sounds like I’m very much valuing the intellect of women, just differently.  Women and men are equally as valuable, but in different ways.  I need both for balance.  The world needs both for balance.  Men and women are not equal, we are different and we should all embrace it.

Thoughts?

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