Monthly Archives: December 2011

Hollywood Hater

Went to what I would probably consider my first, real “Hollywood” exclusive party recently.  It was so effing lame.  Here is what I was told about it before going:

-Dress Christmas themed.

-The host is doing a toy drive, so bring a toy that is $10 or less.

-It may be a slightly older crowd.

-Mansion in Beverly Hills.

-Alcohol provided, will have a tip bar.

-A lot of attendees from the entertainment industry.

So I was thinking, sweet, this sounds kind of classy, I could be into this.  I’ll wear my slightly ridiculous red dress that I can only get away with wearing during the holidays, and a Santa hat, and maybe get some much needed networking done.  I’m picturing myself sitting next to a fire-place, sipping on champagne and chatting it up with a potential collaborator while sophisticated instrumental music is playing over the gentle hum of a candlelit room.


What they meant by Christmas themed was red lingerie and santa hats.  Only.  What they meant by attendees from the entertainment industry, was disgusting reality show stars.  I say stars, but I didn’t recognize any of them.  Granted, I don’t have a television, and when I have in the past, I definitely don’t watch reality television, but I’m not exactly living under a rock either.

Four of us went together, two boys, two girls.  I would say there was easily 200 people at this obnoxious gathering, and me and the other girl that I went with, were honest to God, two of maybe eight girls not dressed in lingerie.  Most of the boys were wearing those extra short boxer briefs that were either red or green or themed or whatever, and Santa hats and boots.  That’s it.  I don’t care about your stupid six-pack abs, you look like a fucking idiot.  People were doing shots out of girls’ boobs (which I’m sure there is a clever name for), it was gross.

I rarely have a “bad time” anywhere.  I try to make the best of things, so I ended up having a good evening because the other three people I went with were cool and we just stayed together and passed around a champagne bottle while discussing who our five people, living or dead would be that we would invite to dinner.  Such a good conversational question.   The moral to the story is, 95% of Hollywood is lame…

And yes, I am a pretentious, hypocritical Hollywood Hater.

P.S. The password to get in was “toy land.”  Are you friggen serious?  Pedophiles?  Check.

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Character Crushes…

We all have them, some more serious than others.  Mine may be bordering on pathetic, but I’m okay with that.  Fiction is so much more fun.  My crushes range from movie/television characters to characters from literature.  I am going to talk about my top ten movie/television character crushes, and save my literature crushes for another day.


Pacey Witter.  This one is not borderline, it is full on embarrassingly pathetic.  It’s not only bad enough that the love of my life is from fucking Dawson’s Creek, but also that I love him more the older I get.  Um… what does that mean?  He plays a high schooler and I love him more now than I did when I was in high school.  If I watch Dawson’s Creek, I get genuinely depressed that Pacey is not a real person.  GENUINELY DEPRESSED.  I just needed to emphasize how pathetic that is.  Please!  Feel free to judge me!  I clearly deserve it.  It pisses me off that Joey ended up with him because she was such a whiny little bitch and has saggy boobs though they’re somehow pointy at the same time.

Pacey is my number one, but the following are listed in no particular order.


Eugene from Band of Brothers.  If I believed in past lives, I would think that I was an Army Medic in my past life.  So Eugene and I are kindred spirits.  For any of you that have not watched the Band of Brothers mini series, I highly recommend it.


Doc Holliday from Tombstone.  Somehow he manages to make tuberculosis sexy.  I would feel safe even entering the gates of Hell if I were with him.


Prudie from The Jane Austen Book Club.  I always go for the slightly dysfunctional chicks, and I love girls the rock the short hair.  AND I always wanted to have an affair with a teacher.


Lawson from A Love Song for Bobby Long.  I am a sucker for a man who knows his literature, and Lawson with his unkempt beard, the I-just-got-laid-hair-do and the endless literary references makes me want to fuck his brains out and marry him, which are two things that unfortunately do not generally correspond in my life.


Penny from Almost Famous.  Duh.  Enough said.


Chris from Stand by Me.  One of the best character’s in cinema history.  Pensive in disguise… plus bad ass, plus hot… and just disregard the inappropriate age difference.  If this is not one of your favorite movies, that is not okay.


Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl.  Ummmm yes please.  Guilty pleasure.


Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds.  Hot, and a bad ass.


A.J. from Empire Records.  Oh man, when he is super gluing those coins to the floor, and when he is dancing with the crazy wrist cutting girl… TURN ON!  Somehow that weird checkered shirt with the oversized sweater is also a turn-on.  The things that cute, charming boys can get away with.


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The Adventures of Touring with a Rock Band – Part 5

“We get to play music for a living, man.”

And that’s when I fell in love with Chris Gaylor from the All American Rejects.  He knows how fortunate he is, and because of that, I have never heard him complain about anything related to his “job.”  I met Chris on Warped Tour and was lucky enough to get to know him fairly well, and I don’t have one bad thing to say about him.  A very humble and good human being.  Now for the anecdote that goes along with the quote…

It was one of the first times I had hung out with Christopher, and it was me, him, the members from the band I worked for and the band we shared a bus with.  It was one of our days off, and we were all going to get sushi.  On Warped, you very very rarely leave the grounds.  We visit most of the 50 states on that tour, but when someone asks me if I’ve ever been to Arkansas, or wherever, I always say no, because it just doesn’t count when you have only been to one of its’ parking lots.  That’s a huge advantage that club touring has over festival touring, because with club tours, you can experience the city a little bit.  You usually arrive earlier in the day, and can usually find time to go do something before and/or after the show that night.  With Warped Tour though, you arrive in buses to either a big field or a parking lot, and you stay there all day and leave that night and we average one day off a week.  Point is, us going out to dinner was a special occasion.

The walk ended up being much further than we estimated, and one of the guys was bitching about it and just being a total buzz kill.  I kept my mouth shut and tried to maintain a positive attitude for those of us who weren’t being Debbie’s.  His complaining was absurd, and was something along the lines of, he has to work and walk all day (oh please) and so he doesn’t want to have to walk a mile on our day off.  Jesus Christ.  This led into just general bitching about touring.  In the middle of his obnoxious whining, Chris finally spoke up and interrupted with:

“We get to make music for a living, man!”  Which was code for:  Shut the fuck up and realize how many people would kill to have our job, you ungrateful little bitch.

I smiled, and in that moment, grew a deep respect for Christopher Gaylor.  I don’t think anyone else noticed, or thought much of what he said, but for whatever reason, it left a profound impression on me.  He obviously understands how fortunate he is, and it means something to him.  Chris is the drummer for The All American Rejects, a huge band, and way way way more popular and successful than the guy’s band who was complaining.  So having this statement come from the guy with the #1 hits, made him look exceptionally good and humble and made the other guy look exceptionally bad.  I loved it.  I’ve never brought any of this up to Chris, so that’s why it’s filed under another one of my unspoken romances I had while being miserable on Vans Warped Tour.

…And he loves Dinosaur Jr as much as I do, which is sexy.

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Confessions of a Heedless Sinner – Vol. 7

Why do guys say, “you’re so wet” when you’re clearly not.  Ummm what vagina are you finger fucking because mine can definitely not be described as “so wet,” right now.

First of all, I’m not into any type of even mild dirty talk.   Or any sexual spoken communication at all for that matter, while hooking up.  The very occasional oh my god is fine, and the you’re beautiful’s are sometimes necessary, and I dig the heavy breathing, but aside from that… please shut the fuck up.

Was making-out with this boy, and though I knew I wasn’t going to take it all the way, I let things go into second base.  I think I was just bored.  He’s hot, but I’m not that into him.  Anyway, he starts fingering me and I started with the manual stimulation as well, and he says, “you’re so wet.”

What?  No, I’m really not.  Trust me, I wish I was my friend, but sadly, your awkward dry humping is not completely doing it for me.

While I was absolutely lubricated (it’s not as if it was sandpaper down there), I could not be described as so wet.  This is not the first time I’ve had a boy say this to me when it was clearly not true.  I’m guessing they say it to try to convince themselves?  Maybe?  Or maybe it’s just a go-to phrase that they think will turn us on and in turn, make us more wet?  I don’t know.  All I know, is it drives me crazy and makes me begin to not fantasize about ripping his clothes off, but fantasize about how I’m going to gracefully end this hormonal exchange.

A better question is, why do I continue to make-out with guys that I’m not that into?

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