Please do not get married. I ask this of you because inevitably you and I will meet, have an annoyingly profound connection, and we’ll both be sorry about that wedding band around your finger that is now suffocating the both of us. Thanks!
Epilogue: I am cursed with falling in love with every guy I come across with an acoustic guitar, tattoos, a beard and a raspy voice. That may sound incredibly specific, but I would say at least one out of every four musician’s fall into that category. Fuck my life.
Like many of my tales, this one starts at a bar. I wasn’t there for five minutes before I made “The Iron Man Eye-Contact.” This type of eye-contact is very different from typical flirty, eye-fucking exchanges that are made between you and a hot stranger. Iron Man Eye-Contact only comes around a handful of times in life, and it’s like when Iron Man is in his helmet, and he targets someone and the red lights start flashing, the two of you are locked in… there’s no going back and all of this information appears about the target.
His name was Pete, and I can’t stop thinking about him. Jesus Christ. When I looked at him, it was just like Iron Man’s instant information stream. I felt like I already knew so much about him and knew we would instantly vibe. He walked past me, and did one of those unnecessary touching your back things while saying excuse me, even though there is plenty of room to pass without the physical contact. Okay, done. I was wet just from that, so I knew I was saying hi to him on his way back over.
Just as expected, we immediately hit it off in a way that made it feel like it was scripted dialogue. Three minutes into the conversation I find out he’s in a band. Of course. Fifteen minutes in I find out he plays guitar in the band. Of course. Beard, of course. Tattoos, of course. Raspy voice… considering my curse, I would say it’s safe to assume that is another, of course.
Eighteen minutes in and he grabs me by the hand, leading me to a quieter area of the bar. Wet. Twenty-five minutes into the conversation, my friends that I drove with are ready to leave, so I’m about to mention that we should meet again, and I see the wedding ring glaring at me, radiating energy as if it’s the friggen ring from Lord of the Rings. It was a stab to the stomach. First of all, you’re a touring musician and you’re married?! What is wrong with you? Secondly, fuck you and me! We’re both screwed now because I know you felt it too. So I said bye and just left. I’m sure I’ll never see that Pete again, but I know that I’ll forever think that we both probably missed out on something really good.
So, my bearded tattooed guitar playing friends, the moral of the story is:
Do not get married, because with my curse, there is a strong possibility that the two of us will meet and both want to rip out our eyeballs if you are.