I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I loved Nicholas Weston Golden. I’ve always been a sucker for hot names, it may be the screenwriter in me, and Nicholas Weston Golden takes first place at SATNA (Sexy Author-Type Name Awards). I met Nick when I was eighteen years old, working as a host at Outback Steakhouse. He was a busser and I’ve loved him in some way ever since.
Nick has this ability to make you feel protected just by looking at you. Girls have always been drawn to him because of this, and because he is just good. While this may sound cheesy and rash, Nick is everything that is right in the world. I was lucky because while everybody loved him, he loved me. Of course, being who I was then, I always had a few boys, at the same time, that I was involved with in one way or another, declaring that I was anti-relationships. We were young, so all of them put up with me, which is something I am eternally grateful for, but will never forgive myself for. Those sad tales however, are for a different day.
Nick joined the Army, which was something I desperately did not want him to do, but I think he felt like he had no choice. In a story about heartbreak, that could be the most heartbreaking of it all, because I know he could have done anything. In late 2006, I believe, he was deployed to Iraq, and during those tormenting months of him being gone, I’ve never loved anyone more than I loved him. The rest is history. Life happens, people get away, we give too much or give too little, but we try. Nick is now engaged to be married.
I’m not bitter about this, which surprised me, and is what brought on this random musing which will come to a point, I promise. I am of course not thrilled at the idea of him getting married and I don’t pretend to be, not even to him, but I am truly happy if he is happy. We hear that expression all of the time, but in most cases, we’re full of shit. This is the first time that I’ve said it and been one hundred percent genuine, and the feeling did take me by surprise. I suppose I still love and respect Nick far too much to have any real bitterness toward him.
I’ve been in many relationships, said I love you and meant it, in some way or another, to many people, but I wonder why… what it was that made me love Nicholas Weston Golden unlike anyone before or since. Maybe it was because he was gone and I missed him so much to the point of it being crippling. Or maybe it was because of all of the handwritten letters, there is something romantic about the mail. Or maybe it was because he needed me. He still, to this day, credits me for getting him through Iraq alive, which could be the most important thing I’ll ever do in my entire lifetime. I think it was all of those reasons, but I also think it was because he was so near death, which brings me to my point.
Aristotle said that unrequited love is the most powerful form of love. Therefore, the love of the dead (since loving a dead person would be the ultimate unrequited love) is the most powerful of all human emotions. Of course he said this much more eloquently and in many more words… I’m just paraphrasing. Thinking about Nick reminded me of Aristotle’s philosophy, and I think good ole’ Stotle was right. I’ve come to the conclusion that I loved Nick the most because he was so close to death. Of course, my love for him was reciprocated, but during that year of his deployment, I was constantly scared of him dying which in theory, could correlate to why I loved him so differently. The question is, does this cheapen our love, or does it make it more beautiful and powerful? I’m going with the latter.
For a second I was worried that loving him more because he was at war, somehow cheapened things. I was wrong and I think it actually allowed us to have a certain connection that many people will never know, and let us experience something so profound, that we should be honored to have felt that together. Had Nick not gone to war, I still would have loved him very very much, and I know he would have loved me, but I also know now, that it would not have been the same love. That however, makes it all the more special. Realizing this allowed me to more easily come to terms with his marriage. Nick and I were perfect for each other during that time and place, and had it been anyone else, it would not have worked. In a way, I think, we kind of saved each other.
The notion that it takes death to experience the most profound of human emotions is heartbreaking in my mind, but somehow romantic as well. After the love of the dead, in second place must be the thought and dread, of someone’s possible impending death. So thanks to Aristotle, I now know that loving Nicholas Weston Golden may have been the most romantic and true thing that I’ll ever experience.