To continue with my list of reasons why everyone on Warped Tour is miserable, I will start with what perhaps, I should have started with in Part 2. All day long, you are…
That will put anyone in a bad mood. We put that sticker on our tent as a reminder, not that we had the luxury of forgetting. Maybe it was more of an attempt to add humor to the hell. There were six stages on the tour if I remember correctly, which meant that at all times, there were six different bands playing within earshot, which also meant six different forms of torture all day long.
I do understand that there is a big difference between music that is bad, and music that I just don’t like. One of my pet-peeves is when I hear someone say, “That band sucks.” No, they don’t suck, you just don’t like them! With that being said, a few of the bands that were on 2010 Warped Tour sucked. It did make me wholeheartedly appreciate the good songs/bands however, which is another romance I had in my misery that I will get into later.
I am going to speak for the boys here, and say that another reason why they were all pissed off and frustrated is because they were forced to watch half-naked teenage girls flaunting around shamelessly all day everyday. While many men have no qualms with checking out underage girls, there are also many men that do have issues with it. The guys that I was with most of the time, hated that they had these inappropriate thoughts about underage girls. It made them feel skeezy. But when a fifteen year old girl who looks like she’s twenty-two walks by wearing nothing but tiny shorts and stickers over her nipples asking them to autograph her stomach or boobs… you can’t blame the men for not being able to help but imagine titty-fucking her.
Of course, I know the guys would not be turned-on by the disgusting girls above – they’d be repulsed – but it’s just an example of how some of the attendees dress. I would imagine trying to jack-off on the tour would also be difficult, so releasing their built-up sexual frustrations probably felt like more of a chore than it did a pleasure.
You may think that as a musician, getting laid on the tour is as easy as drinking water, but it’s actually a little more complicated. First of all, you can only get backstage or to the bus area if you have a pass, and security is pretty strict about this. There were a couple of times when I forgot my pass on the bus, realizing it as I approached the gate, and had to walk all the way back to retrieve it. At a lot of these venues, the busses were sometimes parked over a half a mile away. The point is, getting a potential lay back to the bus is not a simple task.
Also, there is “bus call.” Bus call is the time we head out and you have to be back to your bus. Those driver’s will leave without you! Obviously, we travel at night, so bus call varies, depending on how far away the next city is. Sometimes bus call was as late as 3:00am, but other times it was as early as 11:00pm, and the festival usually lasted until 9:00pm. So, if a guy did go through the trouble of getting a fan/groupie to the bus, he then has to make sure that he gets laid before bus call.
That was my very long way of explaining why the men are always pissed off and sexually frustrated on the tour.
On top of that, you are sharing a tour bus with sometimes eleven other people so you better hope you love all of them because unless you’ve retreated to your bunk, there is no personal space. The petty arguments that stem from who gets drawer space and who doesn’t is awesome. On most of the busses there are twelve bunks, two columns of three on each side.
That was not our bus – ours was way dirtier – but the layout is the same. Half of the tour there was eight of us on the bus, but the other half we shared with another band that were high school kids (literally the members had just graduated high school or were going into their senior year), so there was a full twelve of us. Nightmare. Although, we did get one of the high schoolers to smoke weed for his first time, and while he was high he said, “It feels like my legs are having an orgasm.” That was a fun night.
It’s safe to assume that everyone on the tour is also going through some serious relationship problems, which also adds to everybody’s misery. Touring murders any type of romantic relationship. Obviously, being gone for three months at a time while living a rock-star lifestyle will put a strain on any relationship. But if the boyfriend/girlfriend comes with you on the tour, that’s a recipe for killing a relationship as well. Conundrum. I have never seen a relationship turn out well when the couple is on the tour together. This is because of my main point, that everyone is at their absolute worst while touring. Couples see each other in a whole different light. Like I said, relationship murderer. Even trying to maintain a casual, we-just-like-to-have-fun-together-fling-type of relationship with someone from back home, is nearly impossible. So on top of everything else, it’s safe to say that 90% of the people on the tour are also going through some type of personal crisis.
Touring is this strange break from real life, so people who do it enough, never really have to grow up in many ways. This is why most musicians are at least partly insane. And that is why I am plagued with always falling in love with one.